


despite it all

by beigetea



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, kind of a coping mechanism not even gonna lie, this is really dark im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22154197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beigetea/pseuds/beigetea
Summary: nikolai was okay. and then he wasn't.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	1. drowning

**Author's Note:**

> woahhh hold on hold on hold on  
> this fic is VERY dark and contains a lot of potential triggers so please look at the tags before reading!! im sorry for this in advance whoops

Winter was upon Os Alta once more. Picturesque snow was squeezed into every corner the Grand Palace provided. Children hurled it at one another, bubbling with the vigor of youth. Even the people from the villages, who’d been so intent on repairing the damage left by the Darkling, took today to stay inside.

Nikolai watched this all from the window of the Grand Palace, a king watching his subjects with an almost childlike fondness. He was proud, to say the least. He was rebuilding his kingdom from the ground up, and stolen moments like these were a welcome distraction from the anger and misery that accompanied. 

He made his way down to the war room, for a war council meeting. Although these ones were less centered around war, and more focused on devising new ways to stifle the complaints of angry Ravkans. 

“I say we kill them all.” Zoya’s voice carried through the hall.

“We literally just fought a war for them. There’s really no- Nikolai! Pleasure. Please inform our lady Zoya here that genocide is not a solution to any of our problems.”

Nikolai chuckled at Tamar, sitting down. “Nazyalensky, please don’t slaughter my people.”

Zoya smiled at Nikolai. “Tempting. Well,” she slammed her hands onto the desk, “In lack of a matter more pressing than a couple infuriated farmers, I say we’re done here.” She stood up and left, promptly followed by everyone else.

Nikolai paused. He closed the curtains, and checked the time. He had about an hour to kill until him and his royal guard met to discuss more efficacious methods of security. He decided to head towards his chambers to relax. Moments of rest are few and far between when one’s a king, and should be relished.

He was walking in the empty hall leading up to his chamber, when he hears a noise.

He turns, but there’s no one there. He draws a sword from his sheath. He wore it merely as decoration, but keeping a weapon on hand at all times is handy, especially if assasination attempts were common. And they were.

Suddenly, a woman jumps out from the shadows, lunging at him. She quickly disarms him, and they fall to the floor wrestling in a mess of blonde hair. She’s strong though, and knows how to fight. The woman is on top of him in no time, her olive green eyes nearly burning through his flesh. Nikolai tries to yelp, but she puts a knife to his throat.

“Don’t you dare.”  
She opens a bag at her hip and pulls out a sock, which she promptly stuffs in Nikolai’s mouth. She then takes rope, and ties his hands and feet together, finally releasing the firm grip she had on him. 

Footsteps echoed in the distance. Someone was coming. 

“Alright-” With a grunt, she hauled Nikolai to his feet, and pulled him into his chambers, and locks the door. She shoves him onto the bed.

Nikolai loses his breath. He gags from the sock, which she yanks out of his throat.

“Don’t bother screaming. I’ll end you before anyone has the chance to save their dear king.” He didn’t question that, considering how calm she was holding a knife to his throat. 

She started taking her clothes off.

“ _What are you doing-_ ”

“Shh little king, it’s going to be fine.” She held a finger up to his lips, and he promptly bit it, drawing blood.

“ _Ouch_. Now, calm down. It’ll be fine. Just be a good little boy and relax.”

He couldn’t relax. He was consumed by fear, drowning in it, and the pain from the ropes digging into his flesh was the only thing keeping him conscious.

“No- stop- _What are you doing?_ ” 

“God, I didn’t want to resort to this, but since you won’t shut up-” She stuffed the sock back into his mouth.

She unbuckled his pants. Tears were rolling gently down his cheeks. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to have sex with her. He was saving this for the right moment, _for Zoya-_

But it didn’t matter, because his pants were off, and the woman was on top of him, and she was naked, and his screams were muffled. 

He felt like he was drowning, like he was underwater.

Eventually, he went limp. He stopped fighting. He lay there, silent, until he came, and she was done with him. 

She smiled. “We should do this again sometime.” She then removed the sock, untied him, and left the room with nothing but a wink in his direction. A wink and a wholly, evil laugh.

He lay there for a few minutes, trying to empty his head and breathe. He stood up, and tried to regain composure. He looked back at the bed, and, at the sight of the sickly liquids coating the sheets, he ran into the bathroom and vomited.

He lay his head against the cold tiles of the wall, and cried.


	2. worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the day after, ft. zoya's pov

_ The burning of his wrists as the rope dug into his flesh. _

__ _ The feeling of her hands on his waist and tugging at his hair. _

__ _ The soft gasps that came out of her mouth. _

__ Nikolai awoke with a start. He leaned his head against the wall, sick with nausea. He checked the time. He missed last night’s meeting, but he’d have to head down to the council room in an hour anyways.

He ran his fingers over the ragged flesh where the rope pierced him the night before, and the sheer memory sent him kneeling over the toilet.

He sighed, and drew a bath. He wanted himself clean, now. He felt dirty, disgusting, he wanted her gone, off of his body, asap. Every trace that she left to disappear. 

He wanted to disappear himself, too.

—————————————

Zoya walked at a brisk pace towards the council room. She dreaded seeing Nikolai, but it was him her eyes searched for when she entered the room.

His absence at last night’s meeting worried her sick. She went to fetch him from his chambers, as he probably pumped himself full of  _ kvas  _ and forgot about the meeting altogether. But when she heard the soft moans of a woman from outside his chambers, she turned and left. She walked as fast as she could to the meeting, claimed that Nikolai was sick in an attempt to convince herself as well as the guard, and sat down. She was distracted all night, overthinking her relationship with Nikolai. Did their kisses mean  _ nothing _ ? Their nights spent together, the laughs they shared. They’d never gone that far, but she was convinced that they had something between them.

She was wrong.

She scanned the room for a sign of Nikolai, but he hadn’t arrived yet.  _ He was probably still in bed with that girl. _ She tried to occupy her mind and keep conversation with the guard, but still her mind wandered.

“He’s still sick isn’t he?” Tolya asked with a look of pity. “Poor kid.”

She returned a tight smile.

Nikolai walked into the room. 

The whole ‘ _ Nikolai was sick _ ’ thing was a lie, but Nikolai really did look unwell. His hair was ruffled, his clothes rumpled, and his eyes were dark. He stumbled into the chair opposite Zoya, pale as a sheet. He looked like he was going to faint and vomit all at the same time.

The guard all winced and exchanged pained looks, not knowing that she lied, nor that he was having sex the night before.

Her thoughts went to hungover, but Nikolai held his alcohol exceptionally well, so that was unlikely. He still looked terrible.

“You okay?” Tamar asked, her eyebrows raised in concern.

Nikolai nodded and smiled, but his expression was pained. Something was wrong.

“Zoya told us you were sick,” Zoya bit her tongue. “You caught something last night?”

Nikolai gave Zoya an uneasy look, and looked back at Tamar. “Yeah, I really don’t feel good.” Zoya doubted that was a lie, considering the state of him at the moment.

Throughout the meeting, Nikolai stayed quiet. It was uncommon for him,  _ really  _ uncommon. He was the  _ too-clever fox _ . Always scheming. Always had something to say. But today he was reserved. 

As with every meeting, Tolya and Tamar escalated into a heated argument. As twins, this was normal, and was never more than a loud banter, but at their raised voices, Nikolai flinched. He never did that. 

She could’ve been overthinking this, but it was strange. All considering he had sex the night before.

He didn’t even bother touching the tray of food set down for him by a servant. He looked sick. Really, really, sick.

—-

Nikolai was hurting.

He kept his head down for most of the meeting, and tried not to flinch at every backward movement, but he couldn’t help it. The smell wafting up from his tray was making him sick. Nausea was just common for him now.

He felt dirty, too. Sickeningly dirty, despite the fact he’d scrubbed himself raw in the bath before. He could barely breathe, and his lung capacity was decreasing by the second. Eventually overwhelmingly nauseated, he excused himself from the table, and made his way to the bathroom. There he kneeled over the toilet until he was convinced he was indubitably empty. He washed his face in the sink, and looked up into the mirror.

He was shaking. His blonde hair was a mess, falling over his eyes, and he was pallid. He hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before, and hunger was gnawing at his insides, but he couldn’t bring himself to eat.

He felt dirty in a way he couldn’t explain, and food in his stomach would only contribute. He ached to be clean, and empty was a part of it. He couldn’t think of last night. It hurt to think, and he yearned to explain  _ everything _ to his guard, to Zoya. But all he could bring himself to do was lie. Lie to counteract the worry on their faces. Lie to avoid getting interrogated. Lie to everyone. Lie to himself.

Nikolai had held his head high. He needed a moment of air, now more than ever. They needed to understand that.

But it wasn’t just air he needed, though his lungs did ache. He needed love. He needed his  _ friends, Zoya,  _ to tell him that it would all be alright.

He couldn’t ask that of them. There were so many reasons, they didn’t need to be burdened with his problems, he had a reputation to fulfill, he didn’t even know  _ how. _

But for now, he was alone. And he would have to live with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any ideas on how you want the story to go? requests? im open haha  
> im trying to write in an eating disorder but i already have a nikolai ed fic so i'll probably scrap that

**Author's Note:**

> ok I KNOW it wouldn't be that easy to capture nikolai and there are 100 better ways to incorporate his rape but i just didn't vibe with my other drafts im sorry.
> 
> please leave a review, especially if you have any ideas of how you want this story to go!! i take advice very seriously tehe


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